How things change...

Lately I have really felt like writing, it’s been such a long time since I have written anything at all. Nothing meaningful ever comes to mind, so I thought maybe if I just sit down and start typing I might actually find my inner writer that has been hiding in the shadows for so many years. When I was younger I used to write all the time, I would sit and write poetry and short stories. I guess I had a lot on my mind to let out and onto paper. Not so long ago I found a piece of writing from when I was 17/18 and I literally sat and cried my eyes out. It was so sad and full of emotions that had long been forgotten. I was in a very dark place, with dark thoughts and a dark life all around me. I couldn’t feel the sunshine on my face or the laughter of my friends, I was stuck in a void of helplessness and loneliness. It was a build up of years of not being able to be honest, with myself or with others and I kept it all inside. I felt like I could trust no one, eventually it got the better of me, and from that experience and that deep dark cloud of depression I have learned not to keep things bottled up, to be honest, with myself and others.

Not too many people liked the new me, I used to not say what was on my mind, so when I became outspoken and said my thoughts aloud, a lot of my friends didn’t like it, they didn’t like my opinions, they wanted me to agree with them and bite my tongue like I used to before, they didn’t like to be told that what they were doing or saying was wrong or not nice. And some friends even turned on me, said some very nasty things that of course they don’t remember now, but it hurt me a lot at the time. I was never nasty in what I said, I was being honest and saying what was on my mind. I still do that now, but I know the difference between the people who can handle the truth and those who most certainly cannot.

 Over the years friends have come and gone, and some who have done both are the ones who I know are my true friends, through thick and thin, bad words and good we have emerged as friends. As we grow people change and you get to know people better, sometimes you may not like that person once you know them, sometimes you realize your friendships only exist because you have been friends for so long, never had an argument, never truly gone through the highs and lows of the relationship you share, is that a true friend, or just a sometimes friend? Can you really open your heart and be completely honest with those kinds of friends or do you only say the meaningless drib drab of your life and how you feel?

Sometimes the greatest of friends don’t truly understand you, even after hours of expressing your thoughts and feelings they don’t see life how you do and cannot understand you thought process, and often when this happens, you feel judged in everything you say and do. These friends are good and true but sometimes they need to learn to see how you think and that just because they see the world a certain way does not mean you have to, and visa versa. If you don’t see the world the same way they do, who are you to judge and tell them what they should and shouldn’t feel? Realistically you are there to support them, yes, give them advice but don’t force your vision on them, they know themselves better then you, just as you know yourself better than anyone else, even though some people believe they don’t know who they are at all, they are the ones who know themselves too well they wish they did not! I feel like I know myself well, I know my limits and I know when to walk away. I do not like confrontation, but when people keep bating me, I will bite. And I won’t stop then until they have seen me flip. Then it is up to them whether they can handle the true me. If not, the door is open for them to leave, I will even close it behind them.