I have come to realise lately that I am not in the frame of mind to commit, let alone find love. I have had some pretty crappy relationships, and the last 2 meaningful ones didn't end well. Not on my part, but men seem to find it hard to be honest and easier to lie. If you lie, you are giving another person a false answer, a false ending. I know I had that false ending, and never had the closure I deserved. It ended with me thinking I was not good enough, being told they didn't want a relationship, yet moved straight into a new one like our time together meant nothing. That hurt more than any physical pain, it destroyed me, and my trust for men. I have not even bothered since, because what is the point when my track record proves that I am not worthy of love from a partner, I am not worthy of honesty. what is the point??
I don't know what the point of a relationship is but to reproduce. I am happy on my own, I have great friends and family to keep me occupied. but there is always something missing, that need to find a mate. Is this need formed from what we have grown knowing? That we need to partner up to get through life, because being alone forever is not how its meant to be? or is it in our DNA, the core of our being? None of it really makes sense, my opinion on the matter will differ from my neighbor, but who is to say what the right answer is when a lot of people cant agree to disagree.
I know I want to find someone special, someone I can trust not to hurt me, and someone who wont lie to me just so they don't have to deal with the fallout. In life it is better to be honest and potentially hurt someone than to lie and later on have the truth come out and that person be hurt and dealing with old feelings they thought were gone. That is not fair and I will not do that to someone. I would rather be honest and have the possibility of losing someone than lie to keep them.
It takes a lot for me to feel anything for another person, especially in the category of a partner. As soon as I feel like they are talking bullshit, or have lied or just do/say something that doesn't seem quite right, I lose interest. It has been a long time since I have wanted to give someone my time, wanted to get to know someone, opened myself up to possibility.
Recently I had someone from my past come to tell me why.... why it ended, and their apology. It kind of pissed me off, its been 3 years, and all of a sudden they decided that now was the time to apologize, 3 years have passed and here they are bringing up a past and a pain I have tried hard to move on from. Seriously, why now? what's the point if only to make themselves feel better about what they did.
Sorry sometimes is not enough. And sorry cant change the past. the only reason I gave forgiveness was to give myself inner peace and free myself, not to make them feel better. I have struggled with the situation, I find it an uncomfortable one to be in. I want the friendship that I have missed, but I don't want the extra bullshit that comes from communication with this person.
During this period of apologetic conversation with my past I managed to meet a really good guy outside of the situation, someone who makes me believe there are honest, down to earth men still around, who don't feel the need to lie or bullshit, who appreciate who you are, respect your opinions and your past. This one guy has given me hope and has helped me free myself from the apologies and reasoning of a sorry past with someone else. I don't feel the need for anymore communication about the past failed relationship, it needs to stay in the past where it belongs.
Moving on can be hard, it can last a long time, and a good distraction is the key. Having good friends who don't judge you for feeling sad and not moving on in a week or two. The friends who avoid you during the hard times are no friends at all. The friends who hang out with you knowing your going to talk about your past constantly to help the grieving/ moving on process are the ones who will always be there, and you should put the same effort in for them when they are going through difficult times of adjustment.
I dedicate this Blog to all of my friends who have stuck by me when I've cried and carried on like a looney. A big F U to the past that created the pain and the mess. And to the Man who has made me believe and put a smile on my face recently Thank you!
I am a bona-fide strong independent woman and no one will ever take that from me!
I don't know what the point of a relationship is but to reproduce. I am happy on my own, I have great friends and family to keep me occupied. but there is always something missing, that need to find a mate. Is this need formed from what we have grown knowing? That we need to partner up to get through life, because being alone forever is not how its meant to be? or is it in our DNA, the core of our being? None of it really makes sense, my opinion on the matter will differ from my neighbor, but who is to say what the right answer is when a lot of people cant agree to disagree.
I know I want to find someone special, someone I can trust not to hurt me, and someone who wont lie to me just so they don't have to deal with the fallout. In life it is better to be honest and potentially hurt someone than to lie and later on have the truth come out and that person be hurt and dealing with old feelings they thought were gone. That is not fair and I will not do that to someone. I would rather be honest and have the possibility of losing someone than lie to keep them.
It takes a lot for me to feel anything for another person, especially in the category of a partner. As soon as I feel like they are talking bullshit, or have lied or just do/say something that doesn't seem quite right, I lose interest. It has been a long time since I have wanted to give someone my time, wanted to get to know someone, opened myself up to possibility.
Recently I had someone from my past come to tell me why.... why it ended, and their apology. It kind of pissed me off, its been 3 years, and all of a sudden they decided that now was the time to apologize, 3 years have passed and here they are bringing up a past and a pain I have tried hard to move on from. Seriously, why now? what's the point if only to make themselves feel better about what they did.
Sorry sometimes is not enough. And sorry cant change the past. the only reason I gave forgiveness was to give myself inner peace and free myself, not to make them feel better. I have struggled with the situation, I find it an uncomfortable one to be in. I want the friendship that I have missed, but I don't want the extra bullshit that comes from communication with this person.
During this period of apologetic conversation with my past I managed to meet a really good guy outside of the situation, someone who makes me believe there are honest, down to earth men still around, who don't feel the need to lie or bullshit, who appreciate who you are, respect your opinions and your past. This one guy has given me hope and has helped me free myself from the apologies and reasoning of a sorry past with someone else. I don't feel the need for anymore communication about the past failed relationship, it needs to stay in the past where it belongs.
Moving on can be hard, it can last a long time, and a good distraction is the key. Having good friends who don't judge you for feeling sad and not moving on in a week or two. The friends who avoid you during the hard times are no friends at all. The friends who hang out with you knowing your going to talk about your past constantly to help the grieving/ moving on process are the ones who will always be there, and you should put the same effort in for them when they are going through difficult times of adjustment.
I dedicate this Blog to all of my friends who have stuck by me when I've cried and carried on like a looney. A big F U to the past that created the pain and the mess. And to the Man who has made me believe and put a smile on my face recently Thank you!
I am a bona-fide strong independent woman and no one will ever take that from me!
great post
ReplyDeleteThanks Alice :)
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