Lately I have been thinking about how I feel normal, sane... happy. It's rare that I've felt this way. I am a very emotional person, whether people choose to believe it or not, doesn't affect me. My past has been a roller coaster of emotions, since I was a child I can clearly remember always feeling blah. And I never have, as an adult, understood the true meaning of being or 'feeling' happy, until now. I hardly ever cry, unless I'm watching a sad show or movie. For a while there when I was 16-21 I lost count of the days I cried. I was seriously lost in a downward void where I could see no light. For anyone who has suffered from something similar, they will understand where I am coming from as they read this. For those of you who never suffered from deep depression, as much as you want to sympathize and feel you understand, I am afraid that you never will truly get it, but I will try to paint the best picture I can, and I hope in doing so you do not think me a nutter!
So in giving a clinical meaning, do you feel you now understand what it means to be depressed?
No of course you don't. Depression takes you to a place you feel will never ever end, you cant see a future, any little thing that happens that is not good, it magnified 10 fold. You cant eat or sleep, or polar opposite all you do is eat and sleep. I, myself went through varying degrees. I didn't want to be, I didn't want to exist. I wanted my friends, but I wanted to be left alone. At that age a lot of my friends could not understand what was happening, but to be honest I didn't give a fuck, I didn't care about anyone, not my family or my friends, not myself. I couldn't feel anything for people, I felt nothing. I could have cut myself open and still not felt a thing. And that upset a few people, as I can imagine now, that it would. But during the darkest periods of my life, I couldn't see anything but black days and hollow nights. All I did was work then sleep all day. I didn't have much money which didn't help. I had fallen for a guy that clearly didn't want me for anything more than someone to use, and even though he told me differently, it took me a while to see what and who he really was. I loved the idea of him, not him. When I came to the realization of this, it wrecked me. I literally fell into a pit of despair. No direction, no idea what to do.
Depression is a nasty bitch, I know along the way of that destructive path I hurt a lot of good friends. But it also showed the colours of the not so good friends. I once was hurt by how a couple of my friends were treating me, I said something and expressed how I felt, this person told me "go take your pills, you head case". That was shattering, and for a friend to say something like that, proved they could not even conceive what I was struggling with. For someone suffering as I was, it was not easy telling people what was happening, and to have something so real and raw thrown in your face, by someone you confided in was the worst feeling, I felt hate and rage. I lost so much respect and went even further down hill, who could I trust if not my friends?
I had written a lot of dark and depressing things in that time, recently I found some writings from that period, and I couldn't contain my emotions reading it for the first time since I felt that crush of blackness. It instantly took me back to that time, I remember writing it, the silence, the mood, the light, the darkness.... that night I wanted to feel something and I couldn't, so I wrote my pain, I remember tears falling one by one but I wasn't crying, they just fell, they dripped on the paper, the ink had run.
It was probably the most liberating thing for me to read that now. I can not even imagine feeling like that, I would never allow myself to go back to that point in my life. I have overcome a lot of adversity in my life, with family, friends and partners. I have felt sad and down and sorry for myself, I have felt utterly worthless and dead inside, but now when something goes wrong, yeah I'm pissed off and yeah I don't think that life has better plans, because I plan my life, not the other way around. I don't believe I have a path to walk, or struggles to overcome or a predicted life trail already set out for me. Because holy shit, if that is true, I don't understand why "life" would put me on such an awful path in the beginning! Who knows why I went through what I did, but it has made me stronger, wiser and a better equip person for what lay in my future. No doubt I will have hard times ahead, but I know myself so much better than I ever have, I think I can handle anything, even though I may whinge at the time, I know I am strong. I own my struggle....
About 18 months ago I went on a trip to Brisbane with some friends and on a whim got a tattoo with one, although most don't realize the significance or will they ever understand it... This is the moment when I emancipated myself from the suffering. I am freed!
The definition of depression is this : "severe, typically prolonged, feelings of despondency and dejection. self-doubt creeps in and that swiftly turns to depression". "Depression is a disturbance in mood, thought, and body characterized by varying degrees of sadness, disappointment, loneliness ... etc".So in giving a clinical meaning, do you feel you now understand what it means to be depressed?
No of course you don't. Depression takes you to a place you feel will never ever end, you cant see a future, any little thing that happens that is not good, it magnified 10 fold. You cant eat or sleep, or polar opposite all you do is eat and sleep. I, myself went through varying degrees. I didn't want to be, I didn't want to exist. I wanted my friends, but I wanted to be left alone. At that age a lot of my friends could not understand what was happening, but to be honest I didn't give a fuck, I didn't care about anyone, not my family or my friends, not myself. I couldn't feel anything for people, I felt nothing. I could have cut myself open and still not felt a thing. And that upset a few people, as I can imagine now, that it would. But during the darkest periods of my life, I couldn't see anything but black days and hollow nights. All I did was work then sleep all day. I didn't have much money which didn't help. I had fallen for a guy that clearly didn't want me for anything more than someone to use, and even though he told me differently, it took me a while to see what and who he really was. I loved the idea of him, not him. When I came to the realization of this, it wrecked me. I literally fell into a pit of despair. No direction, no idea what to do.
Depression is a nasty bitch, I know along the way of that destructive path I hurt a lot of good friends. But it also showed the colours of the not so good friends. I once was hurt by how a couple of my friends were treating me, I said something and expressed how I felt, this person told me "go take your pills, you head case". That was shattering, and for a friend to say something like that, proved they could not even conceive what I was struggling with. For someone suffering as I was, it was not easy telling people what was happening, and to have something so real and raw thrown in your face, by someone you confided in was the worst feeling, I felt hate and rage. I lost so much respect and went even further down hill, who could I trust if not my friends?
I had written a lot of dark and depressing things in that time, recently I found some writings from that period, and I couldn't contain my emotions reading it for the first time since I felt that crush of blackness. It instantly took me back to that time, I remember writing it, the silence, the mood, the light, the darkness.... that night I wanted to feel something and I couldn't, so I wrote my pain, I remember tears falling one by one but I wasn't crying, they just fell, they dripped on the paper, the ink had run.
It was probably the most liberating thing for me to read that now. I can not even imagine feeling like that, I would never allow myself to go back to that point in my life. I have overcome a lot of adversity in my life, with family, friends and partners. I have felt sad and down and sorry for myself, I have felt utterly worthless and dead inside, but now when something goes wrong, yeah I'm pissed off and yeah I don't think that life has better plans, because I plan my life, not the other way around. I don't believe I have a path to walk, or struggles to overcome or a predicted life trail already set out for me. Because holy shit, if that is true, I don't understand why "life" would put me on such an awful path in the beginning! Who knows why I went through what I did, but it has made me stronger, wiser and a better equip person for what lay in my future. No doubt I will have hard times ahead, but I know myself so much better than I ever have, I think I can handle anything, even though I may whinge at the time, I know I am strong. I own my struggle....
About 18 months ago I went on a trip to Brisbane with some friends and on a whim got a tattoo with one, although most don't realize the significance or will they ever understand it... This is the moment when I emancipated myself from the suffering. I am freed!
This not only enables me to keep focused but it may inspire someone else on a bad day... if they happen to be admiring my feet that is!!
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