I haven't written lately..... and by lately I mean about 4 years!
Can you actually believe it's been that long?
I can't even think of all the things I want to write about, so much has been happening, the world has changed so much. My world has changed.....
That strong, independent, no fucks given woman I used to be does not exist anymore. She is dead and gone, buried deep, or burned to ashes that have blown away in the wind.
For about 2 years now I have been suffering from something I like to call "Girl Brain".... which is hormonal anxiety, .... girl brain started for me when I started seeing a nice young chap and decided after 5 months off the pill, I should be safe and start taking it again to protect myself from the obvious.... little did I know at this time, I was actually experiencing what would be the happiest time in my life to date! Yep.... my body was freeeeee from all of those nasty hormones and I had become this person I didn't recognize, I was truly happy, smiling, nothing bothered me, I actually enjoyed going to work, yeah i know right! WTF enjoying life? this was unheard of. So I went and got a prescription from my doctor and within about 10 days I was a fucking psychopathic mess. I was over thinking, over analyzing, over eating, over drinking.... I was over.
The woman I was had completely disappeared, and no wonder the nice young chap ran for the hills, I don't blame him.
I went to see my doctor in tears, I stopped taking the pill, he told me it would take 3 months to get out of my system..... 3 more months of this 'Girl Brain', this internal torture?? How would I survive it? I wanted to dig a hole and hide away. But unfortunately, I wasn't born into a luxuriously rich life and I had to go to work to earn a living. I spoke to friends and tried to talk out all the feelings of worthlessness and despair. Nothing worked, even after 6 months I was still stuck in the horrid over thinky girl brain cycle. Not one thing made me feel good, I berated myself constantly, reminding myself that I never wanted to be back in this dark place. I had promised never to allow my mind to feel so dark ever again, I had fought so hard to never feel helpless and stuck again. But here I was with all these old feelings and feeling shitty about my life, when I actually had a good life going on for once.
I started to wonder if maybe it had nothing to do with the pill after the initial body shock of the hormones entering my system, maybe my brain was wired this way. I still now keep chasing that feeling of happiness I experienced. When it had ended I had the realisation that my whole life was masked by hormones, that I had thought all of those years "maybe this is me" maybe actual happiness like they showed in the movies didn't actually exist in reality, only fleeting moments of happiness existed in the real world? even now.... 2 years down the track I still suffer from anxiety, I cant look strangers in the eye, which really doesn't help in my line of work, I have to force myself into situations I don't want to be in, I get a bit of social anxiety around new people and I tend to over indulge in the drinking department, when I drink more so now than ever before I over do it, I don't know my limits anymore. I end up a mess and usually say things that I wouldn't normally say out loud when sober. Not a great combination at all. Luckily I have some very understanding and tolerant friends, who don't judge me, but definitely poke fun at me about it afterwards.
Girl Brain is a real thing for me, I am not medicated for anxiety, because I choose not to be. I want to feel the feelings so I can work through it all and sort it out rather than mask the anxiety. Eventually I hope to get to a point when I will finally be free from this monster.
These days a lot of people suffer from anxiety and depression, maybe it seems like more people because its not as hidden away as it used to be? Or it's just how fast the world is changing for us, with everything at our fingertips 24/7. or the fact that we have so much 'social' interaction with people, just not in person, we don't have real human contact anymore, and when we can't get an instant response to a text or a post, we start feeling worthless and alone, when realistically that friend we messaged is asleep or busy at work.
I feel no shame talking about what I am dealing with, I've been through this before and there is a light at the end of the tunnel, I wont give up, I will keep fighting it, and I will everyone dealing with something similar to open up about it, whether it be to a trusting friend, family or a professional, it's not something you can deal with alone, nor should you have to deal with it alone. I could not even imagine going on this journey without the help and support of my family and friends. I used to think if I talked about it to people that I would be burdening them with my issues. And you know what? Some people can't and wont help you because they just can not understand it or they actually don't care. Its funny how when you reach out for some help, the people who come out of the wood work that you would never have expected to be there for you, helping you fight, there to listen. those are some good people. And usually they are going through something similar or have been where you are before- you just didn't know about it.
I am no expert, I just know I need to start accepting this "new" version of me, I will still search for that happy place, but its not my point of focus anymore, I am just glad to know it exists for me, I've felt it and I will feel it again.
https://www.beyondblue.org.au
Can you actually believe it's been that long?
I can't even think of all the things I want to write about, so much has been happening, the world has changed so much. My world has changed.....
That strong, independent, no fucks given woman I used to be does not exist anymore. She is dead and gone, buried deep, or burned to ashes that have blown away in the wind.
For about 2 years now I have been suffering from something I like to call "Girl Brain".... which is hormonal anxiety, .... girl brain started for me when I started seeing a nice young chap and decided after 5 months off the pill, I should be safe and start taking it again to protect myself from the obvious.... little did I know at this time, I was actually experiencing what would be the happiest time in my life to date! Yep.... my body was freeeeee from all of those nasty hormones and I had become this person I didn't recognize, I was truly happy, smiling, nothing bothered me, I actually enjoyed going to work, yeah i know right! WTF enjoying life? this was unheard of. So I went and got a prescription from my doctor and within about 10 days I was a fucking psychopathic mess. I was over thinking, over analyzing, over eating, over drinking.... I was over.
The woman I was had completely disappeared, and no wonder the nice young chap ran for the hills, I don't blame him.
I went to see my doctor in tears, I stopped taking the pill, he told me it would take 3 months to get out of my system..... 3 more months of this 'Girl Brain', this internal torture?? How would I survive it? I wanted to dig a hole and hide away. But unfortunately, I wasn't born into a luxuriously rich life and I had to go to work to earn a living. I spoke to friends and tried to talk out all the feelings of worthlessness and despair. Nothing worked, even after 6 months I was still stuck in the horrid over thinky girl brain cycle. Not one thing made me feel good, I berated myself constantly, reminding myself that I never wanted to be back in this dark place. I had promised never to allow my mind to feel so dark ever again, I had fought so hard to never feel helpless and stuck again. But here I was with all these old feelings and feeling shitty about my life, when I actually had a good life going on for once.I started to wonder if maybe it had nothing to do with the pill after the initial body shock of the hormones entering my system, maybe my brain was wired this way. I still now keep chasing that feeling of happiness I experienced. When it had ended I had the realisation that my whole life was masked by hormones, that I had thought all of those years "maybe this is me" maybe actual happiness like they showed in the movies didn't actually exist in reality, only fleeting moments of happiness existed in the real world? even now.... 2 years down the track I still suffer from anxiety, I cant look strangers in the eye, which really doesn't help in my line of work, I have to force myself into situations I don't want to be in, I get a bit of social anxiety around new people and I tend to over indulge in the drinking department, when I drink more so now than ever before I over do it, I don't know my limits anymore. I end up a mess and usually say things that I wouldn't normally say out loud when sober. Not a great combination at all. Luckily I have some very understanding and tolerant friends, who don't judge me, but definitely poke fun at me about it afterwards.
Girl Brain is a real thing for me, I am not medicated for anxiety, because I choose not to be. I want to feel the feelings so I can work through it all and sort it out rather than mask the anxiety. Eventually I hope to get to a point when I will finally be free from this monster.
These days a lot of people suffer from anxiety and depression, maybe it seems like more people because its not as hidden away as it used to be? Or it's just how fast the world is changing for us, with everything at our fingertips 24/7. or the fact that we have so much 'social' interaction with people, just not in person, we don't have real human contact anymore, and when we can't get an instant response to a text or a post, we start feeling worthless and alone, when realistically that friend we messaged is asleep or busy at work.
I feel no shame talking about what I am dealing with, I've been through this before and there is a light at the end of the tunnel, I wont give up, I will keep fighting it, and I will everyone dealing with something similar to open up about it, whether it be to a trusting friend, family or a professional, it's not something you can deal with alone, nor should you have to deal with it alone. I could not even imagine going on this journey without the help and support of my family and friends. I used to think if I talked about it to people that I would be burdening them with my issues. And you know what? Some people can't and wont help you because they just can not understand it or they actually don't care. Its funny how when you reach out for some help, the people who come out of the wood work that you would never have expected to be there for you, helping you fight, there to listen. those are some good people. And usually they are going through something similar or have been where you are before- you just didn't know about it.
I am no expert, I just know I need to start accepting this "new" version of me, I will still search for that happy place, but its not my point of focus anymore, I am just glad to know it exists for me, I've felt it and I will feel it again.
https://www.beyondblue.org.au
Well fuck, that's pretty courageous to just put everything out on the table for everyone to see. Not sure if I could do that. I hide it all and let people see what I want them to see.
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